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04/09/2013: What a difference a day makes!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

When I last posted here, my world was still in one piece. It was a Friday. There had been a blizzard. I had worked in the office that week instead of getting anything done in the studio. I had gone out the day before and bought an Expedition so Mr. Virgo and I could travel in comfort and enjoy life instead of waiting till retirement. He would have texted me that morning to tell me he loved me and to see what I was up to. Along about 2 in the afternoon, he would have called to see what was for supper. As he always did, he would have called me at 5:30-6:00 to tell me he was just leaving the parking garage. We would have talked till he got halfway home then I would scoot into the kitchen and get the food going. I would sit back down in the living room and call him back, just to hear his voice. I would tell him to let me know when he got to the bridge and I would get back in the kitchen to put the finishing touches onto his favorite dish. Then, back to my perch in the living room to watch for his headlights. When I saw him turn into the driveway, I would jump up, fling open the door, wait till he was out of the car so he could hear me, and yell "BABY!". He would turn to me and smile and say, "Hey, honey!" I'd tell him, "Get yer butt in here!" and he'd say "I'm a tryin'." He'd come in the door, tired, but grinning from ear to ear and say "Mmmmm, that smells great, babe!" and I'd pretend to blush and say "Come on, let's get your coat off so I can give you a big hug!" Every night, same thing. Never, EVER got tired of that man's homecoming. It was an EVENT!

I don't know what I did on Saturday and Sunday. I'm sure I worked in the studio, but didn't post on here. Mondays and Tuesdays were sacred...they were for us. He was really tired on Monday, and I had to get something ready to send to the printer, so he rested on the couch for awhile. It was a nice, lazy day with a nice lazy dinner that evening. Tuesday dawned, beautiful and sunny. I fixed him a nice breakfast and asked him if he'd like to go for a ride in the new car and go see travel trailers. He lit right up and said that sounded like a perfect day. I did up the dishes and we set off for the next big town, about an hour away. We commented how nice this new car was for holding hands while you drive...a major prerequisite in purchasing a car in our house. We talked about where we would like to take the trailer on our first trip in May. We laughed, and told stories, and caught up with what was going on in our lives. We got to the RV dealer and someone said to just take our time and browse...they were all open. It was a warm morning and we walked toward our future, hand in hand.

In the fourth trailer, I noticed he was grimacing and asked him what was wrong. It was his shoulder, he said. It really hurt. I asked him to sit down on the sofa for a minute. Concerned, I asked him if he thought I needed to take him to the doctor, and much to my amazement, he said he thought I'd better. This is a man with 3 Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star. If he tells you he needs to see a doctor, something is terribly wrong. Now, I've worked in medicine for over 40 years. I know what questions to ask and what to look for. I asked if he hurt anywhere else and he said yes and pointed to his neck. I told him to wait right there and ran to get help and have them call 911. I wasn't gone 60 seconds and when I got back, things were really bad. I had the guys that were with me put him down on the floor of the trailer in case I had to do CPR. I elevated his feet and yelled for an aspirin. One miraculously appeared! I made him chew it. I kept yelling to him to hold on, the paramedics were coming, just please stay with me. I finally yelled "I Love You!" and he said "I Love You, too." And that is the last thing we said to each other. Because he was only 62, they worked on him for about 4 hours, but there was nothing they could do for him. The cardiologist said the type of heart attack he had is called a "widow maker". That it was.

Today marks four weeks since my sweetheart left me. Our 6th Wedding Anniversary was day before yesterday. I can breathe now, not great, but I can. I can look at his picture and talk about him without bursting into tears...sometimes. I feel him with me. I talk to him and I imagine what he would say. And, since I asked Jesus into my life 8 years ago, I know I will never be alone, but oh, how I miss him. His sweet smile, his clear blue eyes, that shock of silver hair, his rapier wit, his hugs, his quiet, steady breathing as he lay beside me at night. I feel as though half of me is paralyzed. It's there, but I just can't feel it, I can't move it. This grief is like walking through tall grass. You start to move forward, carefully at first, and then take bigger strides and BAM! You step on the rake that was hiding in the grass and it comes up and smacks you right between the eyes!

I will get through this. I have had heartbreak before and survived. What makes this worse is the finality. The waves of grief that come out of nowhere. The planned life that is just....gone. The uncertainty. Sometimes, there just are no words.

Comments

Sending love

I an in awe of your strength and grace. I would be a mess in your shoes. Please know if you need anything, all you have to do is ask. You are family as far as I am concerned.

Thank you, Suzi!

Your kindness means so much to me. There comes a point where we are all family, doesn't there? <3

What a beautiful love story!

What a beautiful love story! The memories in yournheart you will carry with you always! I too am in awe of your strength and I for one am so sorry this has happened to you! In the blink of an eye things could change for each of us .what courage you have! Trudy Altman

Thank you, Trudy...

Indeed, ours was an epic romance. In over 7 years together, we never once said a cross word to each other. We frequently marveled at its' beauty.

Hugs,

Gin

What is love?

Love is feeling your own heart break upon learning your friend of a lifetime has lost the too-long-coming love of her life.

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